Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

[Greg]

Also, boundaries. Some people need them drawn in big bright letters, and every extended family has at least one of those people. Having the rules laid out clearly and directly in advance, and having some confidence they will be enforced, makes the gathering much more pleasant for the majority of the family that *isn't* paste eaters.

Uh huh.

A few years ago my wife and I were at a cook-out at a friend's house. There was a lady there we didn't know with two children, a girl maybe four years old and a boy about six. Her kids like to run around naked, so as soon as they arrive off come the clothes, odd (no pool there, so just running around in the house and yard bare-assed), but whatever. Little girls is in yard, then proceeds to squat and take a dump (which got her hosed off by the hostess). Little boy then goes to corner of deck and takes a piss. Hostess (understandably) got annoyed, and mother said "I thought this was a place where my children could be comfortable". Honey, "comfortable" is running around naked. If you brought a dog we wouldn't be upset with it taking a dump in the yard, that's what dogs do, but you'd STILL be expected to clean it up. (Alleged) human beings, not so much.

I would be fascinated to see their living room. "comfortable"

[MarkD]

Also, boundaries. Some people need them drawn in big bright letters, and every extended family has at least one of those people. Having the rules laid out clearly and directly in advance, and having some confidence they will be enforced, makes the gathering much more pleasant for the majority of the family that *isn't* paste eaters.

Uh huh.

A few years ago my wife and I were at a cook-out at a friend's house. There was a lady there we didn't know with two children, a girl maybe four years old and a boy about six. Her kids like to run around naked, so as soon as they arrive off come the clothes, odd (no pool there, so just running around in the house and yard bare-assed), but whatever. Little girls is in yard, then proceeds to squat and take a dump (which got her hosed off by the hostess). Little boy then goes to corner of deck and takes a piss. Hostess (understandably) got annoyed, and mother said "I thought this was a place where my children could be comfortable". Honey, "comfortable" is running around naked. If you brought a dog we wouldn't be upset with it taking a dump in the yard, that's what dogs do, but you'd STILL be expected to clean it up. (Alleged) human beings, not so much.

I would be fascinated to see their living room. "comfortable"

Well, she comes from money (seriously, if I told you her maiden name you'd recognize it, as would just about anyone in the NYC metro area), so she probably has servants to clean up the crap and mop up the piss.

[dfwmtx]

My party rules are simple, forthright, similarly blunt and end with:

"I've got a 4x4, a chainsaw, and a couple million acres of national forest nearby... they will NEVER find the body"

It makes the point.

Come on, there's better things you can do with the leftover turkey.

[Vonz90]

She sounds like quite a harpy. I wouldn't want to show up at her place for a holiday.

Nah, she's awesome. She's too old to lie, or put up with stupidity in her own home. I find her forthrightness delightful and refreshing.

Family get togethers:

1. Should be frequent enough that everyone knows what the heck the grounds rules are without having to be told.
2. Everyone should feel comfortable (like they are are home) because they are with family
3. They should be raised with enough class to know what is acceptable and not (and even if they are not, they should have figured it out by now - see #1)

Sorry, but if any "rules" need to be stated before hand, then your family sucks.

If anyone feels like the they need to state "rules" because they don't like the way the rest of the family behaves, then that is why people probably don't want to come. They don't want to have to walk on eggshells around them.

Yes, every family has a couple idiots who won't learn, but they won't learn so there is no reason to bother trying to tell them ahead of time, deal with it when it comes up or tell them to stay away.

[Windy Wilson]

Little boy then goes to corner of deck and takes a piss. Hostess (understandably) got annoyed, and mother said "I thought this was a place where my children could be comfortable". Honey, "comfortable" is running around naked. If you brought a dog we wouldn't be upset with it taking a dump in the yard, that's what dogs do, but you'd STILL be expected to clean it up. (Alleged) human beings, not so much.

I would be fascinated to see their living room. "comfortable"

Her living room probably resembles my city's solid waste transfer yard. But I'll bet good money her little boy does not pee off of HER deck.

[308Mike]

At LEAST she wasn't fixin' MRE's for DINNER (from an old email):

MRE Dinner Date

The following is a true story....told from the point of view of a Marine ...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know ... I'm an Asshole, but it was still a funny night.