7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Quickly Fail

[skb12172]

I know this group is going to have fun with this one.

Fire Away! (Head Shots Only)

http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7- ... ickly.html

[Dub_James]

I know this group is going to have fun with this one.

Fire Away! (Head Shots Only)

http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7- ... ickly.html

This is choc-full of awesome win.

[Jericho941]

I've been saying this for years.

[Cybrludite]

Numbers 7 & 6 get explained away in Max Brooks' book by saying that the zombie virus kills anything that tries to eat the Zed, but the rest still hold true.

[Jericho941]

Numbers 7 & 6 get explained away in Max Brooks' book by saying that the zombie virus kills anything that tries to eat the Zed, but the rest still hold true.

And if he'd left it at that, it would have been fine. But the particulars of his "Solanum" virus make zombies that much more impossible.

That's why I always liked the Resident Evil series' T-virus. No specifics, it just does whatever is convenient for the plot.

[staylor]

I guess I'll take a wack at this.

(cracks knuckles over keyboard)

This article focuses on the "reanimated dead" zombie and does an admirable job of pointing out such a zombie's weaknesses. However. what this article ignores is that a walking corpse already violates so many laws of physics that pesky little things like heat, cold and predators cease to matter as threats. It is implausible that reanmiated corpses can arise from purely natural causes, like disease, and thus requires an at least partially supernatural orgin. Unfortunently, the supernatural can throw out almost any of the arguments that the cracked article makes; especially of you get into MHI territory where the zombies are being helped by satanists, vampires and English necromancers.

There are of course the "infected with super rabies" zombies which would be proof against some of the things mentioned in the article and yet vulnerable to other things. Reason 1: People with guns, is the one hardest to get around. Any zombie creating disease would need to have variable incubation times and liberal infection rates to reach the point of a zombie apocolypse. There would also need to be a certain mixture of government incompetance, media coverups and societal unwillingness to accept the truth for a zombie apocolypse to occur.
So in way, discussions like this make a zombie apocolypse less likely as the best defence against widespread zombism is eduation. I move that we at the Gun Counter begin campaigning to have the threats of zombies taught in our schools as well as other zombie awarness initiatives.

It's for the children!

[Aaron]

See, way back when I started a zombie apocalypse story, it made perfect sense. Nanomachines! The victims were animated by invading nanos hijacking their nervous systems and brains. They got their metabolic energy either from low voltage electrical sources, ripping wire insulation off or draining the active nanos of the unaffected, or by breaking down the chemical energy from consumed flesh.

Had big plans for that one, started out on a little colony world on the far edges of space, led to a whole gotterdamerung scenario.

Things only got worse when the zombies started forming gestalts smart enough to pilot starships.

[moose42]

Staylor

Any zombie creating disease would need to have variable incubation times and liberal infection rates to reach the point of a zombie Apocalypse. There would also need to be a certain mixture of government incompetence, media cover-ups and societal unwillingness to accept the truth for a zombie apocalypse to occur.

I can almost hear the newscasters now.

"A troubled man allegedly bit three people in downtown Anytown yesterday. The alleged biter was described by witnesses as having gray skin, sightless eyes and was foaming at the mouth. CDC officials made this statement, 'People should remain calm. No infectious disease is responsible for Mr. Jones alleged actions. The alleged attacks were more likely due to his affiliation with the Tea Party."

Three days later…

"Three people had to be restrained at St. Anytown today. They allegedly bit a nurse, and Dr. Quack allegedly lost a finger in the attack but is said to be stable and recovering at home."

Two days later…

"Dr. Quack allegedly bit his wife and kids at their home on the 1500 block of Maple Street this evening. One eye witness said, 'We had no idea Mr. Quack could be violent. He seemed like a good family man.'"

Three days later…

"The FCC will fine any media outlet that uses the terms Zombie, Infected, or Undead to describe the groups of alleged rioters. The CDC recommends people call them, 'Disgruntled Un-Medicated Persons' or DUMP for short. This term has been deemed less offensive than Zombie."

Six days later…

"The president is calling for negotiation with the DUMPers, he stated the need for a peaceful diplomatic solution."

One day later…

"The president was allegedly attacked by a man who was believed to be an ambassador for the Disgruntled Un-Medicated Persons. The president said his 'Re-elect Da Prez!” t-shirt made him an ideal candidate for a peaceful resolution. The president shook hands with the man and bowed. The man then allegedly bit the president’s ear. Secret Service agents subdued the man, with what some people are calling excessive force. One Code Pink witness busy protesting the violent treatment of Zom… err the DUMPers said, ‘The presidents hired goons fired their handguns into the poor disgruntled man’s head it was horrible! I was hit with pieces of his brains. Why do the president’s men need guns anyway?’"

"The President released the following statement, ‘I hold no Ill will toward the man who bit me. We obviously had our differences of opinion. It is with deep regret that my Secret Service agents shot and killed him. I still believe that we can turn this terrible tragedy into something positive. Perhaps we can invite some Disgruntled Un-Medicated Persons to the Rose Garden and talk this over a few beers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go vomit.”

Two days later…

“A group of Code Pink protesters were subdued by riot police, who were allegedly Disgruntled Un-Medicated Persons. Unfortunately due to their usual behavior it was difficult for the authorities to notice the difference.”

Ten days later…

“The CDC and FEMA are recommending people stay in their homes, lock their doors and fill bathtubs with water. Firearms are not to be discharged at any Disgruntled persons. Anyone who is caught firing weapons will be dealt with by law enforcement.”

One day later…

“The DUMPers are pounding on the doors of the studio. The police were called but haven’t responded yet. The police dispatcher said something along the lines of ‘Braiiinss’ then hung up. Building management has assured us that…”

*Glass breaking*

“Oh God no! They’ve made their way into the studio, and just ate Bob the sound guy!”

*Sounds of a scuffle*

“No please! I’m an objective observer! I just report the news! No I need my face!”

*Moist sounds of chewing.*

[Aaron]

Never happen that way, Moose, we all know that the last female reporter, (you know, the hot one) would be saved at the last second by a flat-chested yet oddly hot woman in fish nets.

[staylor]

Never happen that way, Moose, we all know that the last female reporter, (you know, the hot one) would be saved at the last second by a flat-chested yet oddly hot woman in fish nets.

And then they would probably make out.... God bless zombies everywhere.