The Parrot

[Factfind]

The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as A gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back and told John to go f**K himself. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more obscene. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep, was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the Freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving To All!

[Bob K]

This is visual, and I hope I can relate it verbally.

During the 1973 Mideast war, some Israelis overran an Egyptian position. The only thing alive was a parrot.

An Israeli soldier asked the bird, "So, what do you think now, Mr. Egyptian parrot?"

The bird responded, "F*ck Moshe Dayan!!"

The Israeli soldier, enraged, taped the bird's beak shut.

"Now what do you think, Mr. Egyptian parrot?"

The bird covered one eye with a wing, and made an obscene gesture with the other.


And Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

[crazylegs]

A local Methodist pastor got a great deal on a parrot at a pet shop, only to discover upon arriving home that the parrots' previous owner was the madame at the local house o' ill repute.

"Sqwaaak Helloooo Sailor, hows' about you come up to my room and I'll show you whats under my skirts!"

The minister was astonished at the horrid and terrible language that issued from the birds' beak. He tried returning the bird, but was quickly informed of the pet shops "No Return Policy." Sitting at home, pondering what to do, he suddenly heard the phone ring. It was none other then his best buddy, the catholic priest from across town.

"Hows' it going Reverend Smithers!"
"Oh, I've made a most unfortunate purchase, and now I'm trying to figure out what to do."
"Do tell...."
"I bought this pretty female parrot, but she has the most horrible of manners."
"You know... My bishop has two male parrots of his own, in his office. One of them repeats the Lords prayer, and other holds a rosary and quotes the Hail Mary. Perhaps if we let your parrot stay near his for a while, she'll change her ways."

The Methodist minister agrees to the plan, and promptly calls the priests bishop. At noon the next the day, the minister walks across town, and is kindly greeted by the bishop, who shows him a nice space to put his parrot cage, right next to the two male parrots.

"Hail Mary, full of grace...."
"Hey Big boy, hows it hanging?"
"Our Father who art in heaven..."

The parrot drops his rosary, looks over at his companion and says

"Dude, you can shut up now, we got what we were praying for!"

[HTRN]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"




HTRN

[mekender]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"




HTRN

[HTRN]

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions." "I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions." "I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior". Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"




HTRN

[Captain Wheelgun]

HTRN, you've just re-posted the original post

[Whirlibird]

HTRN, you've just re-posted the original post

Yeah but he did it with style.

[rightisright]

Jeez, I got all the way to the end waiting for a different punchline

[TheIrishman]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” Said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”