I'd seen most of these before, just not all in one place.

[Odahi]

I hope they make you smile, I know they made me smile!


THE 2ND AMENDMENT

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a .45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a .46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visitor if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, 'Of course it is loaded, it can't work without ammunition!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

[Erik]

I like this one too:

Texas Ranger Charlie Miller was minding his own business when a concerned citizen came up to him, noted the hammer cocked back on the big 1911 dangling from the Ranger's belt, and asked, "Isn't that dangerous?" Charlie replied, "I wouldn't carry the son-of-a-bitch if it wasn't dangerous."

[Old Grafton]

I used to pose the questions to my Boy Scouts--"What do you call a dull knife when you need a knife?" Ans.--"A stick."

And--"What do you call an unloaded rifle when you need a rifle?" Ans.-- "A BIG stick."

Yes, we taught 'em the truly serious aspects of knife and firearms safety, but we still made the point--and they got it.

[Cybrludite]

I like this one too:

Texas Ranger Charlie Miller was minding his own business when a concerned citizen came up to him, noted the hammer cocked back on the big 1911 dangling from the Ranger's belt, and asked, "Isn't that dangerous?" Charlie replied, "I wouldn't carry the son-of-a-bitch if it wasn't dangerous."

Heh. Not only did he carry it cocked & locked, but he tied off the grip safety with a bit of rawhide. In the version I heard, it was this which prompted the question about it being dangerous.

[Erik]

I found that version here:
http://www.shootingtimes.com/gunsmoke/miller_0730/

There were also a few other great stories, like how he "corrected" his birth certificate.
I really like this one too:

My last Charlie Miller tale is one that if it isn't true, it ought to be. And it involves a gunfight right down on the banks of the Rio Grande. Charlie was after an outlaw and caught up with him in the vega of the river, in Val Verde County just south of the area where I used to serve as sheriff. In a flurry of action the Ranger and the outlaw wounded each other. As he lay in the brush, Miller called over to his assailant and told him that he knew they were both wounded. Miller suggested that they stand up and finish this fight like men so that one of them could get to a doctor. In later years Miller would just shake his head and state, "And you know what? That damned fool actually stood up!"