The Gun Counter

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,473090,00.html

The money quote:

Philip and his colleagues offer the following tips to help families of young boys prevent these injuries from happening:

Install "soft fall" toilet seats in every bathroom in the home, and ban heavy toilet seats made of wood or ceramic from homes with young boys.

This is why we must fight the females who insist that we leave the seat down.

Help preserve the environment most beneficial to the proper development of ejaculatory maturation.

Those little fellas have an awful slow reaction time. One of the first things a boy should learn is how to protect that which is important. Just teach them to piss in the sink. Uses less water to flush.

This is why we must fight the females who insist that we leave the seat down.

Females insist upon a toilet seat in the down position because of a genetic coding for a technique I refer to as the Flying Backward Butt Leap(c). In essence, a female's minuscule bladder leads to gravity having a lesser hold on her body, allowing the female to propel herself both up and back simultaneously in an arc onto the toilet. If the toilet seat and lid are both in the down position, the vacuum-like suction created by the upward draft of the female launching into the air are enough to force the toilet lid up. However, if the toilet seat and lid are both in the up position, a woman's fall from that height will approach terminal velocity and cause a near-drowning.

The thing I hate is those d..... @ing toilet seat and lid covers. If you put the seat up or the seat and lid the seat cover can rebound the seat past the vertical and it falls.

is that why it is sometimes called a tallywhacker?