The Gun Counter

There's an old joke about Tarzan's death, as usual the media get's it wrong:
"Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in apple trees.
How did Tarzan die? Picking apples."
It is fairly well known that elephants like to get a buzz on by eating fermenting fruit. So they'll occasionally binge out on them.
Jimbo was an old elephant who had tried for too long to stay on as the lead elephant of his herd. His last challenge fight not only got him kicked out of the herd but left him in a lot of pain. Jimbo managed to climb up a high point near the plains and found to his surprise that not visible from ground level, their was a spring supplied by water from some near by mountains and there were fruit trees there also. Jimbo got in the habit of picking near ripe and ripe fruit from the trees, then stomping them into a mash to accelerate fermentation. He had a mash pit developed and could "medicate" anytime he felt like it. Among his other problems was declining senses. He didn't see to well, his sense of smell was pretty well shot, then being wasted all the time didn't help.
Jimbo knew Tarzan and had worked with him in the past so there was particular animosity on his part toward the man.
Tarzan was working with the game rangers trying to track down some poachers.

Tarzan had made the climb up to Jimbo's plateau to get a better view of the surrounding territory. When night fell he climbed a tree to sleep in. The next morning Jimbo went to his orchard and started his routine. Get a snorkel full, look up in the tree for fruit, pick it, throw it down, and then stomp on it. While Tarzan was near immortal he'd slept in that morning. So when Jimbo looked up and saw a blurry red object he grabbed it, pulled it down, and then stomped on it. By the time it registered with Jimbo that his fruit usually didn't scream when he picked it, it was too late. Jimbo became shocked and stumbled to the watering hole to wash his feet off. Two hyena's came to the pool while he was doing this. One hyena took a drink and said, "Hey Dumbo wash your feet off somewhere else! This tastes like Tarzan's asshole.....The other hyena asked, " How do you know what Tarzans ass hole taste like?"
The Ranger informed Jane of Tarzan's death and she immediately packed a few essentials and left on the next available train.
She only packed some gold, jewels, and paper notes in "good" currency. She left the sex toys behind.
Cheetah was away and found out about Tarzan's death after Jane had already left. The Chimp was very upset and decided to get revenge on Jimbo. Putting out a strap on found in the tree house he set out.

Cheetah got up to the plateau and found Jimbo smashed as usual. Cheetah found a vine and swung into his attack on Jimbo's behind. Cheetah had forgotten the 4th rule of the Jungle, never try to sodomize an elephant that has been eating fermented fruit.
Cheetah managed a perfect center punch but was immediately blown off the vine. In an ironic happened stance Cheetah found himself impaled through his behind on a tree branch. Jimbo stumbled over to the stricken, pooh covered chimp, and started to pull him off of the branch. Cheetah screamed at him to stop and told him to break the branch off and then take him to the game ranger station, they had a vet there. So Jimbo broke off the branch, Cheetah passed out, and Jimbo began his journey. There were numerous ribald comments from the other animals and some humans on Jimbo's journey. Especially when Jimbo forgot and waved Cheetah around on the stick.
"Look chocolate covered money on'a stick. More like chocolate covered penis on a stick with a monkey attached. Cheetah was not all that popular because it was perceived that he'd used undue influence on Tarzan.
Well by the time Jimbo got to the Ranger station it was too late. The ranger looked at the stinking, fly covered corpse of Cheetah and told Jimbo to just go home.
Jimbo knew then that he had a drinking problem and started a 12 Stomp program.

Seriously toad? How much have you had to drink?

In these situations, it's either too much or not enough.

Just prescription drugs and old age. At least I haven't felt the desire to blend a puppy. The original was much longer.

FWIW, I enjoyed it. But I'm weird.

Here's a touching elephant story I read recently:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

Bad toad. Bad. Go stand in the corner.

Weet's story makes sense. Probably wasn't the same elephant.