Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

[Termite]

Grandma's Invitation (Priceless)

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00PM. Not 2:15. Not 2:25. 2:00PM. Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall tried to fry a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

John, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after three wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Cloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook, and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Wendy, you being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

The election is over so I'll watch what I say about the black bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time, but it will be at your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine. But one person from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma

[Langenator]

I do believe there is at least one move in the Texas legislature to force TAMU and t.u. to rectify #1.

[308Mike]

Shared on Facebook, with credit to Grandma!! LOL!!

[Vonz90]

She sounds like quite a harpy. I wouldn't want to show up at her place for a holiday.

[Dub_James]

She sounds like quite a harpy. I wouldn't want to show up at her place for a holiday.

+1

[First Shirt]

For the record, my grandmother did not write that.
But she could have.
And it wasn't that she was a harpy, it was just that having survived delivering nine kids, having a husband who left her with a farm and three girls to go off and play soldier (just because he thought he was supposed to, as if that was any excuse), as well as having sons in two other wars, she figured that she'd endured all the foolishness that could reasonably be expected of a respectable woman, and certainly didn't entertain the notion of hosting any more on a holiday.

[308Mike]

, she figured that she'd endured all the foolishness that could reasonably be expected of a respectable woman, and certainly didn't entertain the notion of hosting any more on a holiday.

Or tolerating any more foolish behavior of those who refused to listen to, or abide by, the rules established for entering HER HOUSE. THEY are the visitors, and it's quite apparent those visiting had neither respect nor admiration for her belongings which she may treasure. She should NOT have to put them away if the children have been properly raised/trained (absent any mental or physical disabilities - besides being raised by an ultra-permissive bunch of parents).

YMMV

[Greg]

She sounds like quite a harpy. I wouldn't want to show up at her place for a holiday.

Nah, she's awesome. She's too old to lie, or put up with stupidity in her own home. I find her forthrightness delightful and refreshing.

Also, boundaries. Some people need them drawn in big bright letters, and every extended family has at least one of those people. Having the rules laid out clearly and directly in advance, and having some confidence they will be enforced, makes the gathering much more pleasant for the majority of the family that *isn't* paste eaters.

[MarkD]

Also, boundaries. Some people need them drawn in big bright letters, and every extended family has at least one of those people. Having the rules laid out clearly and directly in advance, and having some confidence they will be enforced, makes the gathering much more pleasant for the majority of the family that *isn't* paste eaters.

Uh huh.

A few years ago my wife and I were at a cook-out at a friend's house. There was a lady there we didn't know with two children, a girl maybe four years old and a boy about six. Her kids like to run around naked, so as soon as they arrive off come the clothes, odd (no pool there, so just running around in the house and yard bare-assed), but whatever. Little girls is in yard, then proceeds to squat and take a dump (which got her hosed off by the hostess). Little boy then goes to corner of deck and takes a piss. Hostess (understandably) got annoyed, and mother said "I thought this was a place where my children could be comfortable". Honey, "comfortable" is running around naked. If you brought a dog we wouldn't be upset with it taking a dump in the yard, that's what dogs do, but you'd STILL be expected to clean it up. (Alleged) human beings, not so much.

[Yogimus]

1. You drink in this house, you either walk home, get a ride, or crash on the couch
1A. I will pay for your cab
2. Don't bring uninvited guests. I will disinvite them for you if necessary.
2A. Guests are welcome if I know them
3. There are guns in this house. If you find one, don't touch it.
3A. If you carry a firearm in my house, it must be cleared and placed in my safe. (which will be locked)