Sipping Vodka

[Wrenchbender1]

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *****.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the $h*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *****.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Erik]

This brought to mind an old classic Swedish joke, as told by a former Swedish Prime Minister in a talk show in the 60's.
I have a feeling this wont be half as funny to Americans and told in English today, but as it involves guns I feel it's suitable.
A few things:
Värmland is a rural area, and back then it would have been even more so. This is the area the Prime Minister came from, and he still had the accent when he told it. So you have to imagine this being told in a rural accent, with the punchline in a very heavy accent. (Maybe Larry the Cable Guy is a good comparison?)

One of the Värmland parishes had a priest that was very interested in pistol shooting. In Värmland there are any imaginable combination of clergy and government ministers and everything. And this priest was interested in guns. He had won several championships in Fryksdalen vicinity. And then one Sunday afternoon they would have one of those pistol shooting contests. So he went up early in the morning, Sunday morning, and practiced and practiced. He wanted to practice so that he could really win the championship again. And he was so occupied with practicing in his garden that he forgot about the church service. So the clock turned eleven and they were expecting him at church, but they had a very wise curate of the parish, so he started the service. Finally, the priest noticed that it was late, so he got into his car and drove as fast as possible to the church and arrived just as he was to start preaching. He put on his robe, and rushed into the pulpit and preached.
As he stood there he suddenly discovered that he still had his holster on. He thought that this just isn't right. Not even in Värmland. So he thought, "I'll have to take it off" and began to unbuckle it. But while he was trying to do it, a shot went off. It was really embarrassing. So now he thought he really had to get it off, because there's no way he can show his face after firing a shot in church. So he crouched down in the pulpit, trying to snap off the belt.
Then an old soldier, trained at the Trossnäs regiment, stood up and shouted loudly:
"Menfolk and wimmin'folk, hide n' th' pews, 'cause ah' think he's reloadn'!"

That punchline is still a classic in Sweden 50 years later....