Puns

[Jered]

I'm gonna get shot for this one:

[Netpackrat]

Kind of an old one, but it seemed appropriate to this thread:


A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

[martini]

I can't tell y'all how much this thread has made me laugh. Thank you!

[First Shirt]

A guy walks into an outdoor store looking for a compass.

The clerk says, "We recommend the Weetabix compass. It's durable and accurate, plus it has a lifetime warranty."

The guy is a bit put off by the expense of that model, so after perusing the wares on offer, he points to a $5 compass. "What do you think of this Tates compass?"

The clerk says, "I wouldn't recommend it."

"Why not?"

"Well, you know what they say," replied the clerk. "He who has a Tates is lost."

My cousin called yesterday to tell me that she'd gotten a GPS for Christmas, and could I come over and show her how to use it.

G-d help me, I used this one.

I'm a baaaad boy!

[Cybrludite]

Two trucks carrying thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they were leaving a New York publishing house, AP has reported.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, and stupefied.

[Yogimus]

Police report a small charter plane crashed in the town cemetery. Over 800 bodies have been found so far, with recovery efforts expected to last throughout the night.

[Cybrludite]

meloncollie.jpg

[MarkD]

Did you hear that the German car companies are training snakes to keep the glass clean on their cars? They call them vindshield vipers.

[JustinR]

Did you hear that the German car companies are training snakes to keep the glass clean on their cars? They call them vindshield vipers.

So when you turn them on for the first time with your significant other in the car, do you go "boo!" and they "hissss?"

[Cybrludite]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Latvian, an Aussie, a German, an American, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Czech and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”