The Gun Counter

Been playing Call of Duty's latest offering the last few day and figured that I would share a few things that I learned about guns from this video game and video games in general.

The World According to Call of Duty.

Clips: Super easy to reload to capacity with loose rounds while in combat.

Shotguns: Unstoppable death machines that one does not really have to aim, unless the target is over ten feet away in which case they are useless.

Recoil: Huh?

Pistols: Reliable medium to long range weapons.

Bullet Drop: What's that?

Aiming: Ok, but not really nessessary.

Sighting in a Weapon: Never heard of it.

Getting Shot: Mildly inconveniant.

Cover: Something pansies use.

Logistics: F$#k Logistics!

Those are the ones from the top of my nead, I am sure that there are more that I am forgetting.

- Ammo dropped by people I shoot will always fit my gun.

- Some people I shoot will drop health so I can undo the effects of being shot

- First-aid kits also undo the effects of me being shot, rather than just keeping me alive until I can get medical help.

- I can carry a pistol (with 200 rounds), rifle (also with 200 rounds), bazooka (with a couple dozen rounds), a flamethrower, two dozen grenades, and fifteen explosive charges. While thus encumbered I can run, jump, climb and crawl just as fast as I could without all that stuff.

- I can switch among any of the above weapons in one second flat.

Anti-tank rockets are best used to boost my jumping ability.

The RPK with a drum makes a excellent close quarters weapon.

CByrneIV wrote:

Malthorn wrote:The RPK with a drum makes a excellent close quarters weapon.

Well, it's a pretty decent club

I would not want to be the first guy to charge down a 30' hallway with one at the other end.

Any wound can be treated by absorbing anything with a red cross on it through the skin, clothes, or armor.

Dying of gunshot wounds while you have control over your body is for pussies. Grunt and strain for a few seconds and you'll be fine.

All weapons and ammo weigh the same; there is no difference in weight between a Javelin launcher and a Makarov. This is why it's completely unrealistic to carry an M4, MP5SD and M9, but totally reasonable to carry a Javelin and an M240B with spare ammo for both.

Predator UAVs never run out of Hellfire missiles, which can be controlled directly with a Toughbook.

Real men spend most of their time fighting armies alone, or only with their one best buddy in the whole wide world. Any more than that and you have to have a four-man team of two white guys, a Hispanic guy, and a black guy. You may exchange one white guy for another Hispanic guy, but he cannot be the squad leader, who must have brown hair and blue eyes. A blond white guy has to be the "funny" one, and by "funny" I mean "asshole."

It was the Nazis. It's always the Nazis. Even though everybody's Russian now, they're just Nazis with an even dumber accent. So... they're drunk Nazis.

It's Nazis even if the enemies are aliens. SPACE NAZIS!

Frankly, gentlemen, I'm not hearing the level of Generation Kill quotes I'd like.

Chivalry is not dead. For example, Gordon Freeman. You are wearing your big bulky deus ex machina suit, carrying a crowbar, a gravity gun, a USP Match, a Colt Python, an MP7, a SPAS-12, a giant sci-fi assault rifle, a rocket launcher, and a superheated rebar-firing crossbow. Your lithe little girlfriend is wearing a leather jacket and carrying a pistol. Guess which one of you pulls tunnel rat duty in the air vents?

Being in the military is exciting 99% of the time. However, given the deluge of ill-advised cutscene-heavy video games, I'm inclined to knock that back down to 70%.

Being betrayed and shot in the face is never a surprise.

The most effective weapon against a submarine is a soldier.

If you can't take take down a German Panzer tank by hosing it down with an MG-42, you just don't want it enough.

Time was, a grenade could kill a man right quick. Now gettin' pegged in the pecker by a '203 is less irritatin' than crabs.

Miniguns never overheat.

You forgot the Nazi Zombies.