Having a hard time with my boys

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Yogimus
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Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Yogimus »

So apparently my 5 year old took it upon himself to stab a teacher with a pencil, and my 8 year old threatened to murder a fellow child.

The [strike]causes[/strike] triggers for the events are as follows:

The 8 year old is dealing with an emotional bully, a child that is semipopular, and uses his influence to deny the boy his acceptance. My 8 year old took a piece of wire, and threatened the kid, and when a teacher asked him "WTF YO?" he said he wants to put the other child "through the ground". (further investigation reveals he means in the ground)

The 5 year old throws fits that involve tearing down the classroom decorations, and throwing chairs around. The teacher, when attempting to stop him, is greeted with a good old fashioned pencil stabbing. While this fills me with pride, it is hardly acceptable behavior for a kindergartener.


The fact that BOTH boys are resulting to violence to deal with any kind of conflict is freaking me out, especially when they verbalize their emotions. (kill them all kind of talk) I am fearful that my ex wife's newest flavor of the week may be a negative influence, causing me to have a "talk" with him, and by talk I mean violent response. Either way, I am seeking input, and guidance.
Greg
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Greg »

I wish you luck. It does sound like something is seriously wrong with their home life. Beyond that I'm reluctant to speculate.
Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive. -Ennesby

If you know what you're doing, you're not learning anything. -Unknown
Sanity is the process by which you continually adjust your beliefs so they are predictively sound. -esr
MelodyByrne
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by MelodyByrne »

Kids tend to behave their worst where they feel most safe and accepted, so that's already a huge red flag (i.e. if they are acting out in school, it's because they don't feel that addressing things at home will work).

I'd say there's something major going on in their home life that is both making therm feel unsafe and making them feel as if it's unacceptable to express their feelings. 10 to 1 there's some kind of secret they're being forced to keep, or they're otherwise being emotionally abused and manipulated. Further investigation is warranted, and best done immediately.
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Denis
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Denis »

Yogi, I hope you can get to the bottom of this and help them.

Yogi / mods : it would be wise to remove the discussion of 'talks' with those putatively responsible.
Cobar
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Cobar »

Having dealt with something vaguely similar, it is imperative that they know that the goal is not to stop feeling angry/sad/frustrated etc. From experience some kids don't get that, try to stop feeling, fail, then blow up. They need to know that what they can, and need to do is control their actions and not let those feelings control them.

Whatever else is going on, I pray it works out for the better.
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Aglifter
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Aglifter »

A) Definitely look at the home life - including your home life with them.

B) They are old enough to start to learn control. I realize your family isn't Germanic, but striking at an authority figure would seem very odd to me. (I had an , unfortunately, palpable level of disrespect for many of my teachers as a child, but I knew enough about my parents to know that I had to obey.

Now, if this is recent, and they aren't prone to back talk, acting up, etc then you might need to look at the recent change in the home life.

Also, are the boys being permitted to be boys? My brother and I just had to keep the chaos to a low level, and not draw blood or strike each other in the head.
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Greg
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Greg »

CByrneIV wrote:You need to talk with them about how things make them feel, and then what to do with those feelings... How to channel them constructively... How to take aggression and anger and use them.

Don't suppress... express in different way.

And teach them how to win... improvise, adapt, and overcome.

Finally, teach them that no matter how it feels... no-one tells them who or what they are but them. They need to understand that no-one else has the right or power to define them, or determine what they think or feel.
Maybe I worry too much by nature, but this situation sounds like there's genuine pathology somewhere.

And figuring out what it is and dealing with it is generally preferable to taking the pathology for granted and simply teaching them how to survive it. While it always good to know how to get through bad situations, that would seem to be the last resort right now.

Well unless it's just a bow to practical reality to admit that that is, unfortunately, probably the best and most useful thing a part-time parent can do, in their limited role.
Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive. -Ennesby

If you know what you're doing, you're not learning anything. -Unknown
Sanity is the process by which you continually adjust your beliefs so they are predictively sound. -esr
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PawPaw
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by PawPaw »

I raised three boys and a girl to glorious adulthood and I'm proud of each of them. Fine upstanding citizens, well educated, tax paying producers of goods and services.

They each knew that if I got called to the school, someone got their ass torn up. Especially in the lower grades. The attitude adjustment button is attached to the ass. There is time afterwards for exploring feelings, and appeals to reason, but young kids have to know that some behavior is simply not tolerated.
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Termite
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Termite »

PawPaw wrote:I raised three boys and a girl to glorious adulthood and I'm proud of each of them. Fine upstanding citizens, well educated, tax paying producers of goods and services.

They each knew that if I got called to the school, someone got their ass torn up. Especially in the lower grades. The attitude adjustment button is attached to the ass. There is time afterwards for exploring feelings, and appeals to reason, but young kids have to know that some behavior is simply not tolerated.
Since Pawpaw has stated what I was thinking, let me add something else, which I hope Yogi does not take personally, because I certainly do not mean it as such.

The boys are definitely reacting to their father(Yogi) not being present. If the mother's current boyfriend isn't much(of a good male role model) that makes it even worse.

Yogi, this IS NOT a strike at you. I'm just stating my opinion, which is based on 50yrs of life, raising one son, and coaching scores of other folks' sons. And keep in mind that with my job, I am away from home 6 months of the year.
"Life is a bitch. Shit happens. Adapt, improvise, and overcome. Acknowledge it, and move on."
Greg
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Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Greg »

I'll amuse you all with a little disclosure that might be relevant.

When I was in preschool, I administered the worst violence to another human being of my entire life. Remember what Ralphie finally did to the bully in A Christmas Story? I did that to a kid who was bullying me and my friends, when I was (iirc) 4. During class, in preschool. Oh boy I pounded him good. It was a huge to-do, parents called in and everything. Anyway, the other kid was apparently a known bully and in a minor miracle of justice that would not be repeated today, he was asked to leave and I was not.

So yes, I was a little shy sweet-natured blue-eyed angel (teachers adored me).... who apparently had a vicious temper and a taste for violence. At least by 4-year-old standards. (I know that's pretty funny but bear with me.) And never, ever, once would I have even *imagined* raising a hand to an elder or an authority figure. Hell my primary caregiver at that time was a 75+ year old woman with arthritis (my great grandmother) and there's a chance I could have gotten away with it. But no, not ever.

There is something wrong with the boys. They are suffering, I don't know what, but things are not good with them. They have pain, rage, probably self-loathing, and apparently the standards of behavior that they have learned (by witnessing, at 'home') leave much to he desired.
Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive. -Ennesby

If you know what you're doing, you're not learning anything. -Unknown
Sanity is the process by which you continually adjust your beliefs so they are predictively sound. -esr
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