Having a hard time with my boys

A place to talk about all things military, paramilitary, tactical, strategic, and logistical.
User avatar
Yogimus
Posts: 4922
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Yogimus »

Termite wrote:
PawPaw wrote:I raised three boys and a girl to glorious adulthood and I'm proud of each of them. Fine upstanding citizens, well educated, tax paying producers of goods and services.

They each knew that if I got called to the school, someone got their ass torn up. Especially in the lower grades. The attitude adjustment button is attached to the ass. There is time afterwards for exploring feelings, and appeals to reason, but young kids have to know that some behavior is simply not tolerated.
Since Pawpaw has stated what I was thinking, let me add something else, which I hope Yogi does not take personally, because I certainly do not mean it as such.

The boys are definitely reacting to their father(Yogi) not being present. If the mother's current boyfriend isn't much(of a good male role model) that makes it even worse.

Yogi, this IS NOT a strike at you. I'm just stating my opinion, which is based on 50yrs of life, raising one son, and coaching scores of other folks' sons. And keep in mind that with my job, I am away from home 6 months of the year.
Prefer honesty to an ego massage. Fire away, I am not easily bruised
User avatar
Jericho941
Posts: 5180
Joined: Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:30 am

Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Jericho941 »

I'm not trying to excuse their behavior, because this needs to be addressed. But when I think back on my own early childhood, in which I was a really violent little shit... well, if it helps, anyway:

1.) I considered myself fully justified in everything I did, because "they" made me angry.
2.) I thought of everyone who made me angry or sad (and then I got angry because they made me sad) as a bully.
3.) The only time my dad seemed to give a damn was when I got violent enough to be sent home early/suspended, or when I shoved a girl down and made her cry. That was when there might be some kind of lasting consequence, but the rest of the time it was resolved with some yelling and generally avoiding Dad for a few days. I REALLY didn't understand why girls were off-limits for hitting, because they were the ones who made me the angriest.
4.) It honestly took a child psychologist asking me certain questions about what I did, and me asking WTF he was on about, and his response being "I'm trying to figure out if you're a bully," that I considered I might be in the wrong. The idea that I was the bully all along was shocking, and shook up my whole worldview. That's not to say I wasn't surrounded by my parents and teachers yelling at me, spanking me, etc telling me I was wrong. That only fed into the notion that these weird big people didn't understand that I was being bothered by kids who only stopped when I responded with a knuckle sandwich. The idea that I could be the asshole (I was a big fan of the preemptive strike) made me settle the hell down.

So as I see it, kids have generally poor impulse control, and anger is one hell of an impulse. There's something there that makes them feel like they're justified in acting out this way. A kid who resorts to violence as anything more than a fluke A: may be genuinely unaware they're overreacting, and have difficulty understanding this when it is explained, and B: proooobably has some unwitting influence in there. Something is making him feel like he's in the right, and smacking/yelling "NO YOU IDIOT" might not break the code, as it were. EDIT: Basically, they might not really be aware that it's possible they're in the wrong, and finding a finding the way to wake them up to "hey you're being a jerk" can be tricky.

...well, that was probably useless, but I hope it helps.
User avatar
Termite
Posts: 9003
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:32 am

Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Termite »

Yogimus wrote:Prefer honesty to an ego massage. Fire away, I am not easily bruised
Your ex's boyfriend is, according to you, not a great male role model. You are absent. It's a problem. The boys are reacting to it; however, the 8 yr old's actions are more justified than that of the 5 yr old, because the 8 yr old is being persecuted at school by other kids.

I'm gone 14 days at a time, but when I'm home, I'm home. So Junior Termite knew better than to get too stupid, because I would be back.
Your situation is a bit different. I don't know how you can fix this. I wish I had a simple solution for you. :(
"Life is a bitch. Shit happens. Adapt, improvise, and overcome. Acknowledge it, and move on."
User avatar
skb12172
Posts: 7310
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 12:45 am

Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by skb12172 »

Something we need to know in order to try and offer advice.

Does your ex recognize this is a real problem?

If so, does she give a shit?

How good are the two of you at working things like this out for the good of the kids? Since she's got a douchebag boyfriend and this is going on, I'm assuming she is self-absorbed and a mom in name only. I'll be glad if you tell me I'm wrong.
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.
User avatar
Termite
Posts: 9003
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:32 am

Re: Having a hard time with my boys

Post by Termite »

skb12172 wrote:Something we need to know in order to try and offer advice.

Does your ex recognize this is a real problem?

If so, does she give a shit?

How good are the two of you at working things like this out for the good of the kids? Since she's got a douchebag boyfriend and this is going on, I'm assuming she is self-absorbed and a mom in name only. I'll be glad if you tell me I'm wrong.
Ditto to those thoughts..... :geek:
"Life is a bitch. Shit happens. Adapt, improvise, and overcome. Acknowledge it, and move on."
Post Reply