Deep Thoughts

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Weetabix
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Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:11 pm

Did you ever have some random, Jack Handy type thought? We need a place for those. Bonus points if it's original to you, but your favorite Jack Handy quotes are also great to share.

I've always liked this one:
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Fire away!
Last edited by Weetabix on Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:13 pm

How does a blind guy know when he's done wiping in the bathroom?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby HTRN » Wed Dec 13, 2017 9:25 pm

Why are ther locks on 24 hour store?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Vonz90 » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:56 pm

If you are not doing anything, how do you know when you are finished?

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:15 am

It's terrible that entire families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby slowpoke » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:39 am

“Dark humour is like food





not everybody gets it.”

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Old Grafton » Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:35 am

Just because something will be awesome fun does not make it a good idea.
I'm not old--It's too early to be this late.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Jered » Thu Dec 14, 2017 5:46 am

If journalists wanted to earn an honest living, they'd attend law school and take up barristry.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Odahi » Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:24 pm

Why is it that so many mattress companies' names start with the letter "S"? Sealy, Simmons, Stearns & Foster, Serta, Spring Air...

Also, why do I keep seeing just one shoe/boot discarded on the shoulder of the road? Where's the other one? Are there really that many pirates out there?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby First Shirt » Sat Dec 16, 2017 1:23 am

Why do we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

Why is there an Interstate highway in Hawaii?

Why is a "fat chance" the same thing as a "slim chance" ?

What happened to WD-1 through -39?

Do dyslexic atheists lay awake at night wondering if there's a Dog?
But there ain't many troubles that a man caint fix, with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six."
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Rich » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:32 am

First Shirt wrote:Why do we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

Why is there an Interstate highway in Hawaii?

Why is a "fat chance" the same thing as a "slim chance" ?

What happened to WD-1 through -39?

Do dyslexic atheists lay awake at night wondering if there's a Dog?


And do dyslexic priests lay awake wondering why Dog won't answer their prayers.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby First Shirt » Sat Dec 16, 2017 2:44 pm

And do dyslexic atheists sell their souls to Santa?
But there ain't many troubles that a man caint fix, with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six."
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Greg » Sat Dec 16, 2017 3:06 pm

First Shirt wrote:
What happened to WD-1 through -39?


Or Preparation C.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Rod » Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:00 pm

HTRN wrote:Why are ther locks on 24 hour store?

Because people need to go to the bathroom occasionally.
one can be a Democrat, or one can choose to be an American.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Rod » Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:02 pm

With our present president "playing your Trump card" has multiple meanings.
one can be a Democrat, or one can choose to be an American.
Good acting requires an imagination; reality requires a person not getting lost in their imagination.
"It's better to have a gun if you need it". Felix's opthamologist

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby SoupOrMan » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:05 am

I have to deal with political cronies and wannabe political cronies all day long for the next few weeks. I'm bringing a flamethrower with me to deal with them. Mainly because the last time this happened I brought nerve gas and suddenly I was the bad guy.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby blackeagle603 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:31 pm

Apropos of the day and this article in my morning readings. Came up in a Silicon Investor Qualcomm Thread about AI,
"Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficient... The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well meaning but without understanding."

-- Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis


“China, for example, combines data and the use of AI to rate the loyalty of its citizens to the state and uses these ratings to determine jobs and more. . .

First unveiled a decade ago, China aims to roll out a nationwide social credit system by 2020 that aims to reward trustworthy individuals but put perceived miscreants on a blacklist. By giving each citizen a credit score based on a range of behaviors such as abiding by traffic laws and paying fines, the government aims to “create an honest and faithful society”. As part of the plan, which has been introduced in several cities, China’s top court maintains an online blacklist of people who are unable to pay their debts. People on the list are barred from taking flights, trains or making big purchases.


RTWT
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Wed Dec 20, 2017 5:04 pm

They say you should follow your passion. But then, she got a restraining order.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Vonz90 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:16 pm

It is good to make full use of your potential, unless it voltage potential from your body to ground.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby MarkD » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:13 pm

If a chicken-and-a-half lays an egg-and-a-half in a day-in-a-half, how many pancakes does it take to shingle the roof of a dog house?

Do not interfere in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will crap in your shoes.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Catbird » Sat Dec 23, 2017 4:17 pm

"Jingle Bells" is not a Christmas song.
"If at first you don't succeed, that's one data point." XKCD

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby First Shirt » Wed Dec 27, 2017 2:45 am

If the opposite of "pro" is "con" is the opposite of progress, Congress?
But there ain't many troubles that a man caint fix, with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six."
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Vonz90 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 3:31 pm

Why yes, it has the acceptable tolerances on it already and everything; you do actually have to build the stuff to the drawing.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby slowpoke » Thu Dec 28, 2017 2:11 am

Don't confuse the map for the territory.
"Islam delenda est" Aesop

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:23 pm

A lot of people say when they get tattoos, "I love art. But art can be lost or stolen. This art will always be with me."

Maybe. But you could still lose either in a bad fire.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Rich » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:56 pm

Using modern communications theory.

If someone tries to insult you and you refuse to acknowledge it, is it still insulting?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Greg » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:36 pm

Weetabix wrote:A lot of people say when they get tattoos, "I love art. But art can be lost or stolen. This art will always be with me."

Maybe. But you could still lose either in a bad fire.


There's a fat joke in there somewhere, too.
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Sanity is the process by which you continually adjust your beliefs so they are predictively sound. -esr

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:44 pm

How about:

But you can't take stretched, wrinkly art for restoration.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby HTRN » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:22 am

Weetabix wrote:They say you should follow your passion. But then, she got a restraining order.

They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have, so why do i have an hr meeting for wearing a Darth Vader costume? :mrgreen:
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:55 pm

Your lack of preparation doesn't make it my emergency.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:09 am

How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:17 pm

Weetabix wrote:How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

Manufacturing baby oil is done using a cold press process. The babies are put into a large screw press that slowly squeezes out the oil. Temperatures have to be kept low to recover clear oil, over heated babies yield cloudy oil.
What exits the screw press is called baby cakes. This is ground and screened to produce baby powder.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Vonz90 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 9:39 pm

evan price wrote:
Weetabix wrote:How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

Manufacturing baby oil is done using a cold press process. The babies are put into a large screw press that slowly squeezes out the oil. Temperatures have to be kept low to recover clear oil, over heated babies yield cloudy oil.
What exits the screw press is called baby cakes. This is ground and screened to produce baby powder.


Good info, but you still did not answer the man's question about how many to the bottle.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Wed Jan 31, 2018 8:51 am

Vonz90 wrote:
evan price wrote:
Weetabix wrote:How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

Manufacturing baby oil is done using a cold press process. The babies are put into a large screw press that slowly squeezes out the oil. Temperatures have to be kept low to recover clear oil, over heated babies yield cloudy oil.
What exits the screw press is called baby cakes. This is ground and screened to produce baby powder.


Good info, but you still did not answer the man's question about how many to the bottle.

He didn't specify what size bottle.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:52 pm

55 gallon
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Cybrludite » Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:53 am

Rod wrote:With our present president "playing your Trump card" has multiple meanings.

Heh. A friend of mine is upset that she can't use the phrase anymore without having to think about the President :lol:
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Thu Feb 01, 2018 7:40 pm

Weetabix wrote:55 gallon

That's not a bottle; it's a barrel. Maybe a keg. Tun?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Weetabix » Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:06 pm

You buy baby oil how you want; I'll buy baby oil how I want.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby HTRN » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:34 am

evan price wrote:
Weetabix wrote:55 gallon

That's not a bottle; it's a barrel. Maybe a keg. Tun?

A drum. :ugeek:

A standard keg, a socalled "half barrel" is 15.5 gallons.

A tun is either 252 or 256 gallons depending on wether its meant for wine or beer.

Ibc tote tanks come in avariety of sizes, but the most common seen is 275 gallons.
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby SoupOrMan » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:35 am

It's not really a proper amount of baby oil unless the container says "Dippin' Size"
Remember, folks, you can't spell "douche" without "Che."

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby SoupOrMan » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:39 am

I was given an ultimatum but I had to ask if they had something better.
Remember, folks, you can't spell "douche" without "Che."

“PET PARENTS?” You’re not a “pet parent.” You’re a pet owner. Unless you’ve committed an unnatural act that succeeded in spite of biology. - Glenn Reynolds

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Greg » Sat Feb 03, 2018 3:06 am

SoupOrMan wrote:I was given an ultimatum but I had to ask if they had something better.


So they really gave you a penultimatum?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby SoupOrMan » Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:29 am

Maybe?
Remember, folks, you can't spell "douche" without "Che."

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby HTRN » Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:06 pm

Greg wrote:
SoupOrMan wrote:I was given an ultimatum but I had to ask if they had something better.


So they really gave you a penultimatum?

Ooh was it a nice penultimatem, like a Parker? :mrgreen:
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby Odahi » Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:07 am

I was talking to a guy at work, and he said his girlfriend is a vegetarian, and won't eat anything with a face. So, I say, she is a "faceist." What does she have against plants? "Plants are people too!"

In related news, the Kzinti say, "It doesn't take much courage to sneak up on a blade of grass."
Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly, assholes gotta ass.

"Common sense" is an oxymoron.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby evan price » Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:42 pm

What if Elon Musk had a silent partner who was fairly fiscally conservative?
What if they had a falling out about the amount of money being spent on space projects, flame throwers, etc?
What if this argument became violent and, in a fit of rage, the silent partner was killed?
Where would Elon Musk hide a body?
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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby MarkD » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:57 pm

When I am in a sober mood I worry, work and think
When I am in a drunken mood I gamble, fight and drink
But when my time is over and all moods have come to pass
I hope they bury me facing down so the world can kiss my ass.

I'm not allowed to run the train, the whistle I can't blow
I'm not allowed to say how far the railroad cars can go
I'm not allowed to shoot off steam, or even clang the bell
But let it jump the God damned track and see who catches Hell

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby skb12172 » Thu Feb 22, 2018 6:10 pm

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Was Dead Reckoning ever alive? Ok, I know that one. It's actually Ded Reckoning, short for "Deduced."
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.

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Re: Deep Thoughts

Postby toad » Fri May 11, 2018 3:35 am

I like babies, but the local supermarket doesn't have them in small enough chunks to fit my refrigerator freezer compartment.

I notice the SJW's are starting to act like little yap dogs trying to pass peach pits, they just quiver and cry 'cause things are coming out the way they want.

I remember that when Dinkins was mayor of New York City and the judges were turning the goblins lose, that the rich folks got upset when they and theirs were attacked. So some of them started hiring Asian gangsters to take out the trash for them.
That may come around again. Cheaper than hiring lawyers for a lot of instances.


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