Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

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JAG2955
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Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby JAG2955 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 12:59 am

Just like our Crossing America/Europe/wherever. This one is designed to be more fun.

Turns out there's extraterrestrial life. And they love TV. So, the Intergalactic Broadcasting Company has decided to make a series based off the success of Earth reality shows. The IBC has determined that members of The Gun Counter forum will lead themselves and nine celebrities of that person's choosing in order to set up colony infrastructure on Gliese 581e.

Gliese 581e (I'm assuming it exists), has a lovely temperate climate, similar to South California. Galactic Engineering has re-set the gravity to Earth-norm. There are local edible flora and fauna, and you will be dropped off for a one year stay. You and your celebrity cast will be supplied with 30 days of rations, tents, hand-held equipment and tools, a set of small tractors/cranes, and pre-fabricated buildings. The IBC will supply you with the latest hand-held adjustable-velocity rail guns for hunting and defense, so for once we won't be talking about guns, knives, and dogs.

The rules:
-You must select 9 living celebrities to be teleported with you. If you refuse to go, the Intergalactic Judicial Council will turn the population of Earth's puppies into spiders or some such nonsense. We'll define "celebrities" as those who have been on TV for education or entertainment purposes.
-Immediate protection is provided by a pre-fabricated set of walls. Adjustable velocity rail guns will be supplied for defense and forage.
-Once a celebrity has been signed on for two "seasons" by being selected by members, he or she is then off limits for the remainder of the reality series.
-Physical labor is a necessity, no robots are provided, but Galactic Motors has supplied several tractors and cranes.
-No politicians are allowed. The desire to hamstring them and leave them for local predators was deemed too strong by Intergalactic TV censors.


Have fun. Make good selections. If you want to choose the top 9 Miss America contestants, you are free to do so. Just hope that they have some useful skills, or Earth will watch you all starve on the IBC network. You can also pick 9 eggheads and provide no humor value to this thread.

I will post my selections later today or tomorrow to ensure that myself and the first poster don't take all of the good ones. 8-)

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Netpackrat » Fri Nov 06, 2015 1:29 am

Meh. Turn the puppies into spiders. Then nobody will complain when I squash all of them.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby JAG2955 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 1:49 am

Netpackrat wrote:Meh. Turn the puppies into spiders. Then nobody will complain when I squash all of them.


Your companions have now been chosen for you. Your attempted colony will be composed of:

Yourself
-The cast of The View (Whoopie Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd, Joy Behar, and Barbara Walters). No Elizabeth Hasselbeck, she's too attractive for your season
-Adam Sandler
-Pauly Shore
-Charlie Sheen
-Seth MacFarlane
-Roseanne Barr

Station execs predict a bad season for you.

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Greg » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:31 am

So the game is to pick the 9 hottest chicks from TV and movies to serially impregnate?

Or am I missing something?
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Netpackrat » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:33 am

JAG2955 wrote:
Netpackrat wrote:Meh. Turn the puppies into spiders. Then nobody will complain when I squash all of them.


Your companions have now been chosen for you. Your attempted colony will be composed of:

Yourself
-The cast of The View (Whoopie Goldberg, Sherri Shepherd, Joy Behar, and Barbara Walters). No Elizabeth Hasselbeck, she's too attractive for your season
-Adam Sandler
-Pauly Shore
-Charlie Sheen
-Seth MacFarlane
-Roseanne Barr

Station execs predict a bad season for you.


Excellent. I have wanted to kill each of those people for a long time, and I'm pretty sure I can figure out how a rail gun works faster than any of them.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Weetabix » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:42 am

I'll play:

1. Norm Abrahms (he can build anything by himself)
2. Nathan Fillion (he makes me laugh)
3. Chris Jacobs (don't know much about him but I bet he can fix machines)
4. My wife (she was on the news once)
5. Jamie Durie (Victory Garden)
6. Chuck Norris (protection)
7. Clint Eastwood (just because)
8. Tom Magliozzi
9. Ray Magliozzi
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby JAG2955 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:00 am

Greg wrote:So the game is to pick the 9 hottest chicks from TV and movies to serially impregnate?

Or am I missing something?


Well, if you're single, that's a method.

You're just building the infrastructure. People will be deposited later.

Fine, here's my chance to rescue this failing thread:

-Adam Baldwin, The Gun Counter's favorite actor. Libertarian, physically fit, and my kind of humor.
-Alton Brown, to cook all of the exotic flora and fauna. He's also a major gun guy in disguise.
-Jamie Hyneman, but not Adam. Jamie seems very mission-oriented.
-Dolph Lundgren, one of the secretly smartest celebrities (?)
-Jay Leno, fixer of equipment
-Gary Sinise, for music. I understand he's willing to be called Lt Dan to his face. I would do that at every opportunity.
-Mike Rowe. He can do the dirty jobs. In fact, he'd probably be the real motivator.
-Tricia Helfer, grew up on a farm and eye candy.
-Katee Sackhoff, eye candy

I am a faithful and married man, but that doesn't make me blind. :lol:

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Greg » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:04 am

The thread title says 'colonize'. Implies necessary population growth. ;)
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Greg » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:06 am

Weetabix wrote:I'll play:

1. Norm Abrahms (he can build anything by himself)
2. Nathan Fillion (he makes me laugh)
3. Chris Jacobs (don't know much about him but I bet he can fix machines)
4. My wife (she was on the news once)
5. Jamie Durie (Victory Garden)
6. Chuck Norris (protection)
7. Clint Eastwood (just because)
8. Tom Magliozzi
9. Ray Magliozzi


Tom died just over a year ago.
Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive. -Ennesby

If you know what you're doing, you're not learning anything. -Unknown
Sanity is the process by which you continually adjust your beliefs so they are predictively sound. -esr

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby JAG2955 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:11 am

Greg wrote:The thread title says 'colonize'. Implies necessary population growth. ;)


It's not prohibited, either. 8-)

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby blackeagle603 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 4:18 am

I dunno... The hosts of the view would provide some reasonably good eating with proper preparation. Though BaBa WahWah might be a bit stringy.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby evan price » Fri Nov 06, 2015 4:40 am

Pick a season of the UK series "scrapheap challenge". Cherry pick from the.Megalomaniacs, Barley Pickers, Brothers in Arms. Bring their spouses. My spouse. Maybe Tony Beets and his wife Minnie from "gold rush".
Build all the things.
Figure out which native grains or.fruits make the best liqour.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Netpackrat » Fri Nov 06, 2015 5:30 am

blackeagle603 wrote:Though BaBa WahWah might be a bit stringy.


If I'm allowed to bring my Honda 3 wheeler, she'll be well tenderized by a few hundred passes of knobby tires over her carcass. :ugeek:

I've been nursing that particular grudge for decades.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby BDK » Fri Nov 06, 2015 8:04 am

If you're going to bring along a cook, either bring one who was a professional chef - if you can find one without a substance problem, or one that is very good looking.

Otherwise, I'm a bit stuck on picking useful celebrities - I don't know the bios of any well enough to know if they are actually useful.

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby blackeagle603 » Fri Nov 06, 2015 8:15 am

Gotta be a farmer and/or botanist in the bunch. A month of food to start isn't going to cut it and relying totally on foraging + hunting til crops come in is an iffy proposition. Even if you plant on day 1 there's likely to be a starving season or very lean times before any harvest.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Kommander » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:21 pm

blackeagle603 wrote:Gotta be a farmer and/or botanist in the bunch. A month of food to start isn't going to cut it and relying totally on foraging + hunting til crops come in is an iffy proposition. Even if you plant on day 1 there's likely to be a starving season or very lean times before any harvest.


Solution: Bring the largist celebrities you can fit on the ship along with said farmer and get used to the taste of long pig.

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby First Shirt » Fri Nov 06, 2015 4:33 pm

Kommander wrote:Solution: Bring the largist celebrities you can fit on the ship along with said farmer and get used to the taste of long pig.


If you prepare it right, does it taste like chicken?
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby toad » Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:19 pm

Have your celebrities checked for STD's before you load them up.

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Aesop » Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:59 pm

Nine?
Too Easy.

Nathan Fillion
Gina Torres
Alan Tudyk
Morena Baccarin
Adam Baldwin
Jewel Staite
Sean Maher
Summer Glau
Ron Glass

Because
1) I get to hold the camera while we're there.
2) If we lose this time, Earth riots.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Weetabix » Fri Nov 06, 2015 7:15 pm

Greg wrote:
Weetabix wrote:I'll play:

1. Norm Abrahms (he can build anything by himself)
2. Nathan Fillion (he makes me laugh)
3. Chris Jacobs (don't know much about him but I bet he can fix machines)
4. My wife (she was on the news once)
5. Jamie Durie (Victory Garden)
6. Chuck Norris (protection)
7. Clint Eastwood (just because)
8. Tom Magliozzi
9. Ray Magliozzi


Tom died just over a year ago.

Clearly, I don't do current events or celebrities. Can't believe I missed Adam Baldwin.

My kids were asked to name celebrities several years ago and all they could come up with at the time was Abraham Lincoln and Babe Ruth.

Since I missed Tom, I'll scratch him and take seconds on Dolph Lundgren - he's a chemical engineer, so I'll have carpentry, general contracting, civil, mechanical and chemical covered along with gardening. Anyone can figure out electrical, and I'm a decent cook.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Erik » Sat Nov 07, 2015 5:29 pm

Thought about this a bit, and figured I'd give it a try.

I'm thinking selecting a diverse group of people with diverse skills. I remember listening to stories about Amundsen and other adventurers, and how they selected people based on what they brought to the group, rather than the toughest or best qualified. The story goes that Amundsen even had a guy with him that could play the violin and not much more, but he brought him for morale, to entertain the others. The adventurer I heard this from later made the same trip, and brought a writer/journalist/storyteller in his 70s with him. He said the guy wasn't much use for the actual expedition, but he was great fun to have around and kept everyone else happy.

So trying to get a diverse group, I'm thinking something like this.

- Matt Graham. Primitive survival expert that's appeard on "Survive that!" (and a few other shows). The guy has so far made it out of Costa Ricas jungles, the savannahs of Africa and arctic Finnland with very little gear allowed. Regardless of how authentic the show is, the guy obviously has serious skills. And he's a very low key and nice guy that is easy to get along with.
- Terry Schappert from the same and other shows. He's also good at primitive survival, and he's a Green Beret, so he should be able to set up and train a functioning defense with good tactics and strategy, and train anyone that's not up to speed.
- Ray Mears. Bushcraft expert that's also been on several shows. He's a true outdoorsman that can handle any environment and make whatever is needed from what he finds in nature. I also loved the show he did about the Heroes of Telemark, where he tried to recreate what the Norwegians did in the second world war. He brought current special forces with him to recreate it, and they had to struggle to keep up.
- Frank Erichsen from the Danish tv show "Bonderøven" (translates to "The Farmer Ass", a somewhat derogatory term that he seems to embrace). I think there has to be a farmer coming along and he runs his farm with traditional methods that was used 50 to 100 years ago, using very little machinery. I'm convinced he could run a farm anywhere with or without tools. And have a great time doing it.
- Mattias Särnholm and Johnnie Krigström from the Swedish show Roomservice. There should be a carpenter/builder along, and since I dont know a good name from any US show right now, I'd go with them. They can build anything, on any continent, and they're also not scared of adventure, they did a TV show where they got closeup photos of themselves with Africas Big Five animlas, in the wild. They're also both really fun and nice guys, they make friends anywhere they go.
- Dick Strawbridge from Scrapheap challenge/junkyard wars since his name wasn't mentioned (only the show). There needs to a mechanic, someone that can fix machinery or build new stuff. He's got the building skills, seems to be a fun guy to have around, and have some serious organizational skills, as well as a military background. He can probably also double as the adminitrator/organizer of the group.
- Jamie Oliver Someone suggested bringing a cook, and that seems like a good idea. I had a Scandinavian guy in mind here, but decided to pick a more internationally known person. The imporant part is that the cook is flexible and can adapt to whatever (s)he has available to use.
- Conan O'Brien Last person is the morale improver. Someone that is fun to have around and will make any downtime enjoyable. Several good names have been mentioned already, so I'll go with him. He seems to be the kind of guy that can tell lots of stories and make others tell their stories too.

Thinking about it a little bit more, that would actually be a show I'd watch.
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby skb12172 » Sat Nov 07, 2015 6:36 pm

I like your list, but would suggest you replace one of your survival experts with a medical person. Maybe the doctor who is the medical consultant on The Deadliest Warrior?
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby Erik » Sat Nov 07, 2015 7:45 pm

skb12172 wrote:I like your list, but would suggest you replace one of your survival experts with a medical person. Maybe the doctor who is the medical consultant on The Deadliest Warrior?

Havent seen that show in a long time, it's not on here any more. But that's a really good idea.

Another thing useful would be someone with scientific background, someone that could investigate and interpret the world, and learn from it. Since the fauna and wildlife is different, and probably the natural resources as well, it would be a good idea to learn as much as possible as soon as possible, and draw conclusions. While the survival experts would be able to adapt, it would be good to have someone with a broad scientific understanding of how nature and ecosystems work. I have no idea of a good name for that though. David Attenborough comes to mind, but I'm not sure how much he actually does by himself.

I'd probably change Matt and Johnnie for a good medic and a general scientist, if I could come up with good names for them. :)
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby skb12172 » Sat Nov 07, 2015 11:22 pm

Botanist? Matt Damon is back from Mars, I hear. :lol:
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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby JAG2955 » Sat Nov 07, 2015 11:50 pm

skb12172 wrote:Botanist? Matt Damon is back from Mars, I hear. :lol:


I'm surprised that no one has suggested him just to ensure that a rescue mission will be launched.

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Re: Guncounter Game: Colonizing Gliese 581e

Postby dfwmtx » Fri Nov 13, 2015 8:22 pm

William Shatner
Mark Hamil
Nathan Fillion
Neil de Grasse Tyson
Mike Rowe
Sigourney Weaver
Carrie Fisher
Katey Sachoff
Kari Byron

Considering it's a bunch of people going to colonize an alien world, we need sci-fi actors to mix shit up.
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